i feel as though i am experiencing the full spectrum of post-collegiate mania: far from everything i know, jobless, self-conscious about my outsider status, trying not to be a burden, making sincere yet seemingly insufficient efforts to maintain a steady writing practice, figuring out where to take things from here.
every day is a process of restoration. i wake up and feel the weight of the question, what can i do today to improve my situation, and where is that empowerment i sensed within myself while traveling across country, with no certainty of where i would sleep or when i would eat or what obstacles might arise?
every day is a process of navigation, both literally and figuratively. accounting. budgeting. networking.
and so every time i do something 'right', i suddenly recall my own ability, and i am energized like never before.
it's the little things that remind me how good it feels to be here, doing my own thing, on this strangely solitary journey: having a good conversation with stranger, friend or family; getting a volunteer position at the downtown central library; feeling really driven to secure a job that i would care about; finding solace in books and yoga; assembling manuscripts for submission to contests and publications; applying for an internship at a publishing house; having dinner with my very benevolent and generous friends/hosts; spending time with my thoroughly portland-ized aunt and uncle; attending poetry readings and concerts; discovering awesome little eateries, shops, coffeehouses; successfully getting around by myself.
as long as my eyes stay wide, i know i am in a good place.
the shape and color of an experience cannot be perceived while you are deep down in it - it's the difference between an aerial view of the ocean and diving.
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