26.6.10
25.6.10
23.6.10
Chapbook Contest: Between Dreams: Poem Letter #5
To Marcel: Nocturne
Once I woke up murmuring,
once I woke up spitting,
alone.
I was thinking of Lacan and sheep,
I was thinking of the body as organism,
the body as language,
I was thinking of first love,
I was thinking of screaming.
. . .
I cradled you long after your death, like many.
I populated my own life with your objects and characters and sensations,
so much so that I no longer felt
crazy.
How many hours of your life were spent sleeping?
Dreaming?
Flailing and kicking and trying to breathe?
The beauty you offered began with a murmuring, a spitting,
thick mucous in the chest,
lungs swelling with desire,
fluttering like fish gills, like an accordion played fervently.
. . .
When I woke up murmuring and spitting and flailing,
I thought of you, your heavy-lidded eyes, and your eternal symptoms,
and my own hypnogogic affairs,
all terrific
in the original and unpleasant sense.
I was thinking of decadence and sensualist politics,
the eroticism of flora and fauna,
the way my hair tangles on the pillow,
my first love and screaming.
My first love and screaming
and sleeping
and lungs filling with water,
and spitting up upon waking,
my love, Marcel,
you reek of cork and stagnant air.
. . .
I watch you carry the beauty of your mind in your hands like a cup of well-water,
not getting enough sleep or enough breath,
tirelessly carrying the beauty between your mind and the page,
like blood from the heart to the lungs,
from the heart to the lungs.
Once I woke up murmuring,
once I woke up spitting,
alone.
I was thinking of Lacan and sheep,
I was thinking of the body as organism,
the body as language,
I was thinking of first love,
I was thinking of screaming.
. . .
I cradled you long after your death, like many.
I populated my own life with your objects and characters and sensations,
so much so that I no longer felt
crazy.
How many hours of your life were spent sleeping?
Dreaming?
Flailing and kicking and trying to breathe?
The beauty you offered began with a murmuring, a spitting,
thick mucous in the chest,
lungs swelling with desire,
fluttering like fish gills, like an accordion played fervently.
. . .
When I woke up murmuring and spitting and flailing,
I thought of you, your heavy-lidded eyes, and your eternal symptoms,
and my own hypnogogic affairs,
all terrific
in the original and unpleasant sense.
I was thinking of decadence and sensualist politics,
the eroticism of flora and fauna,
the way my hair tangles on the pillow,
my first love and screaming.
My first love and screaming
and sleeping
and lungs filling with water,
and spitting up upon waking,
my love, Marcel,
you reek of cork and stagnant air.
. . .
I watch you carry the beauty of your mind in your hands like a cup of well-water,
not getting enough sleep or enough breath,
tirelessly carrying the beauty between your mind and the page,
like blood from the heart to the lungs,
from the heart to the lungs.
22.6.10
Happy Summer
Yesterday, after practicing 108 Sun Salutations at the top of an inactive volcano (Mt. Tabor) in celebration of the summer solstice, all I felt was love and gratitude. Sure, today my hamstrings and my shoulders ached like a mother, but I still feel remarkably uplifted and light. I am thankful for every bit of sunlight that gets past the stubborn Portland clouds, and I am thankful for the fruits of the earth, for my strange and beautiful family, for my friends and loves far and near, for my teachers, for words, for everything that is coming.
17.6.10
Detox Day Four: Abundant Energy
Today I experienced a delirious vibrancy. I woke up early and went to a yoga class first thing. After practice, I had a delicious cup of caffeine-free rooibos, a banana, and two clementines. Then I hustled over to my therapist/analyst's office, then headed to an amazing raw food restaurant, where I had raw soup and rice for lunch (thank goodness rice is allowed).
After lunch, it was back home for a shower, packing for my quick weekend trip to Chicago, and several hours of research work. I sipped dandelion root and ginger tea all the while. Work, errands, etc. - and then another yoga class to wind down the day. Bookending a busy day with yoga is the best remedy for fatigue and tension. And I can assure you, all of these fresh raw fruits and vegetables supported my good mood today. My energy levels actually increased throughout the day. It took the Portland sky until around 5:30 p.m. to shed the gray and let the sun shine. Amazingly, my mental, emotional and physical states were closely aligned with this meteorological unfolding.
The final day of my cleanse will be spent traveling, but all the motion will end with a big, beautiful reunion. I have baby carrots, pears, a fruit smoothie, and kombucha on hand for the trip.
16.6.10
Detox Day Three
This is the halfway point. I can't determine whether it's better to work 8-10 hour days while detoxing, or if you should take a vacation in order to cleanse and maintain your sanity. The upside of working and detoxing is the distraction of task after task. However, if you spend 9 hours chasing small children, pushing strollers up canyon hills, and serving as a human jungle gym, it can be a challenge.
I ate a peach for breakfast, and then managed to make a carrot-celery-parsley-strawberry-banana smoothie a couple hours later. Shortly thereafter, I ate a banana with raw almond butter (I figured raw nut butters are probably allowed). I ate a nectarine mid-afternoon, and then two peaches on my way from work to a therapy session. Now, later than I would have liked, I am eating a huge salad of romaine, spinach, raw cabbage, raw red pepper, sprouts, chickpeas, onion, and some organic Green Goddess dressing. I'm not sure why Green Goddess is permitted, but I will absolutely take it. And, I drank jug after jug of dandelion root tea with lemon all day long. Dandelion root tea tastes a bit like watered down coffee and it cleanses your liver.
I went from therapy to yoga (the most luxurious pairing I can imagine) and took a wonderful class taught by Manda. Lots of twists, slow sun salutations, and deeply held standing poses.
The last day of the cleanse, Friday, is a big travel day for me - hours and hours of flight towards Chicago for a family reunion. I suppose the ultimate challenge will be finishing the cleanse on a good note while in airports, airplanes, and at the mercy of my Italian-American relatives.
*One of the toughest parts of this cleanse is remembering not to eat fruit after meals. Fruit will actually ferment the food already digesting in your stomach, creating gastrointestinal issues.
I ate a peach for breakfast, and then managed to make a carrot-celery-parsley-strawberry-banana smoothie a couple hours later. Shortly thereafter, I ate a banana with raw almond butter (I figured raw nut butters are probably allowed). I ate a nectarine mid-afternoon, and then two peaches on my way from work to a therapy session. Now, later than I would have liked, I am eating a huge salad of romaine, spinach, raw cabbage, raw red pepper, sprouts, chickpeas, onion, and some organic Green Goddess dressing. I'm not sure why Green Goddess is permitted, but I will absolutely take it. And, I drank jug after jug of dandelion root tea with lemon all day long. Dandelion root tea tastes a bit like watered down coffee and it cleanses your liver.
I went from therapy to yoga (the most luxurious pairing I can imagine) and took a wonderful class taught by Manda. Lots of twists, slow sun salutations, and deeply held standing poses.
The last day of the cleanse, Friday, is a big travel day for me - hours and hours of flight towards Chicago for a family reunion. I suppose the ultimate challenge will be finishing the cleanse on a good note while in airports, airplanes, and at the mercy of my Italian-American relatives.
*One of the toughest parts of this cleanse is remembering not to eat fruit after meals. Fruit will actually ferment the food already digesting in your stomach, creating gastrointestinal issues.
15.6.10
Detox Day Two
It makes sense to detox right around now for a litany of reasons, but the most obvious one is this: all the raw, delicious fruits and vegetables you could want are available and ubiquitous. I walked into a co-op this morning and saw dozens of things I could eat - not a common experience for the detox-er.
Breakfast: Orange.
Lunch: Raw kale and romaine salad w/ Annie's Green Goddess Organic dressing. Big mug of miso soup with carrots and kale.
Snack: Kombucha. Blueberries.
Snack: Grapefruit. Grapes. Ginger tea w/ lemon and organic honey (lots and lots of this).
Dinner: Kombucha. Kale, parsley and romaine salad w/ pumpkin seeds. Peach.
The trick is to eat frequently and/or to eat large quantities of the above. Juicing is an ideal way to detox because it saves you a lot of chewing (kale can take a while to break down, especially if it isn't super fresh). Am I hungry? Yes, I'm hungry. But a detox is also a period intended for contemplation, and if you can get past the immediate discomfort of hunger, it is possible to access deeply hidden emotional and psychological matter. Not to mention, my yoga practice has shifted in a matter of days. This evening I attended a class taught by The Yoga Space's lovely director, Michele Lowe. Despite my hunger and fatigue at the end of a long workday, I found myself flowing through Surya Namaskara A and B without breaking much of a sweat and my twists were much deeper.
The most significant element of the class was the sense that it was really a preparation for stillness, rest, and eventually, sleep. I love this ritualistic aspect of the practice; I love that specific sequences aim to do different things, and that the postures themselves are everything and nothing - they are symbolic, functional, and yet many maintain that asana means very little, if anything at all, without the other philosophical and spiritual limbs.
On an entirely separate note:
Larry David was sexy. Is sexy?
Breakfast: Orange.
Lunch: Raw kale and romaine salad w/ Annie's Green Goddess Organic dressing. Big mug of miso soup with carrots and kale.
Snack: Kombucha. Blueberries.
Snack: Grapefruit. Grapes. Ginger tea w/ lemon and organic honey (lots and lots of this).
Dinner: Kombucha. Kale, parsley and romaine salad w/ pumpkin seeds. Peach.
The trick is to eat frequently and/or to eat large quantities of the above. Juicing is an ideal way to detox because it saves you a lot of chewing (kale can take a while to break down, especially if it isn't super fresh). Am I hungry? Yes, I'm hungry. But a detox is also a period intended for contemplation, and if you can get past the immediate discomfort of hunger, it is possible to access deeply hidden emotional and psychological matter. Not to mention, my yoga practice has shifted in a matter of days. This evening I attended a class taught by The Yoga Space's lovely director, Michele Lowe. Despite my hunger and fatigue at the end of a long workday, I found myself flowing through Surya Namaskara A and B without breaking much of a sweat and my twists were much deeper.
The most significant element of the class was the sense that it was really a preparation for stillness, rest, and eventually, sleep. I love this ritualistic aspect of the practice; I love that specific sequences aim to do different things, and that the postures themselves are everything and nothing - they are symbolic, functional, and yet many maintain that asana means very little, if anything at all, without the other philosophical and spiritual limbs.
On an entirely separate note:
14.6.10
Summer Solstice Cleanse
The good folks at The Yoga Space in SE Portland are hosting a week-long cleanse to prepare for the seasonal shift from spring to summer, or in Ayurvedic terms, from a kapha season to a pitta season. I happen to enjoy cleanses, and try to do one every 4-6 months. This will be the first time, however, that I follow a program of some kind. This detox, designed by Heather Harahan, a Kundalini teacher, just requires discipline and good organic food. It isn't a starvation detox, although some might think eating only fruit, raw vegetables, mung beans, and a little rice for 5 days is equivalent to starvation.
Caffeine, alcohol, processed foods such as tempeh and tofu, bread, starch, sugar, dairy, eggs, cereals, acidic condiments, salt - these are all off the table for the week. And meat, of course. The aim is to make the body more alkaline, since acid in the body is a breeding ground for illness, discomfort, and even (eventually) disease. A seasonal detox revitalizes the organs, cleanses the liver and kidneys, and re-balances the nervous, circulatory, and digestive systems. I'll track my progress here and let you know how it goes.
Caffeine, alcohol, processed foods such as tempeh and tofu, bread, starch, sugar, dairy, eggs, cereals, acidic condiments, salt - these are all off the table for the week. And meat, of course. The aim is to make the body more alkaline, since acid in the body is a breeding ground for illness, discomfort, and even (eventually) disease. A seasonal detox revitalizes the organs, cleanses the liver and kidneys, and re-balances the nervous, circulatory, and digestive systems. I'll track my progress here and let you know how it goes.
Today is Day 1.
Breakfast: Grapefruit & orange, water.
Lunch: Raw kale & pumpkin seed salad w/ Annie's Green Goddess Organic Dressing, large mug of miso soup.
Snack: Blueberries.
Snack: Banana, grapes.
Dinner: Grapefruit.
Yoga: 7:30 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
The quality of the food is very important. Conventionally grown fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, seeds, etc. are full of toxins, including pesticides that can damage the nervous system and reproductive system, and have been linked to various kinds of cancer.
Artificial ingredients are literally dangerous: blue 1 & 2, red 3, and yellow 6 caused brain, adrenal gland, thyroid, and kidney tumors in lab rats.
Canned foods need to go: BPA (found in the lining of tin cans, some water bottles, and in baby bottles) can wreak havoc on a woman's reproductive system by disrupting the hormones that let the ovaries know when to produce an egg. It has also been linked to birth defects.
Note: I know not everyone can afford to buy organic produce all the time, and I resent the people who make it out to be some moral deficiency if you do not eat organic. But, if you can afford it, then buy organic. And if you can't, then seek out local CSA options that will cut the cost and make organic food more accessible. Also, many health food stores now take food stamps.
*Also, today's meals were more measly than necessary. The cleanse can include juices and mung beans with rice. I just didn't have time to cook, and I don't have the equipment to juice.
Artificial ingredients are literally dangerous: blue 1 & 2, red 3, and yellow 6 caused brain, adrenal gland, thyroid, and kidney tumors in lab rats.
Canned foods need to go: BPA (found in the lining of tin cans, some water bottles, and in baby bottles) can wreak havoc on a woman's reproductive system by disrupting the hormones that let the ovaries know when to produce an egg. It has also been linked to birth defects.
Note: I know not everyone can afford to buy organic produce all the time, and I resent the people who make it out to be some moral deficiency if you do not eat organic. But, if you can afford it, then buy organic. And if you can't, then seek out local CSA options that will cut the cost and make organic food more accessible. Also, many health food stores now take food stamps.
*Also, today's meals were more measly than necessary. The cleanse can include juices and mung beans with rice. I just didn't have time to cook, and I don't have the equipment to juice.
11.6.10
The First of Nine
To Roberto: On Being Unable To Sleep
When I dream about you I dream
apocalyptic skies and sunstroke,
the backseat of a dusty car,
wildfire in the desert,
sexual violence.
I dream of your liver
in Mexico City.
A telephone ringing in an empty hotel room;
a knife placed on a countertop
appears as indecent and dangerous
as a knife held in a hand.
Now that you’re gone,
would you write it all the same?
I dream of your liver
in an autopsy pan.
Coordinates on a map, cities
and airports,
vacant
beds, and your hair
tucked behind your sallow ear.
Is death the abandonment
you imagined?
I dream of your liver
prayed over and buried.
The end of the world
begins inside
each and every one
of our torsos.
The panicked heartbeat,
the seizing abdomen.
We have given over,
things have gotten worse,
and I dream of your liver
like a prophet,
covered in sand.
When I dream about you I dream
apocalyptic skies and sunstroke,
the backseat of a dusty car,
wildfire in the desert,
sexual violence.
I dream of your liver
in Mexico City.
A telephone ringing in an empty hotel room;
a knife placed on a countertop
appears as indecent and dangerous
as a knife held in a hand.
Now that you’re gone,
would you write it all the same?
I dream of your liver
in an autopsy pan.
Coordinates on a map, cities
and airports,
vacant
beds, and your hair
tucked behind your sallow ear.
Is death the abandonment
you imagined?
I dream of your liver
prayed over and buried.
The end of the world
begins inside
each and every one
of our torsos.
The panicked heartbeat,
the seizing abdomen.
We have given over,
things have gotten worse,
and I dream of your liver
like a prophet,
covered in sand.
8.6.10
Sometimes I can't read this and eat at the same time.
"Now even bookish pharmacists are afraid to take on the great, imperfect, torrential works, books that blaze paths into the unknown. They choose the perfect exercises of the great masters. Or what amounts to the same thing: they want to watch the great masters spar, but they have no interest in real combat, when the great masters struggle against that something, that something that terrifies us all, that something that cows us and spurs us on, amid blood and mortal wounds and stench."
1.6.10
Yes, please
...true freedom means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.
David Foster Wallace, 2005
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