i have been dreaming with anger, fear and frustration. the outstanding subject matter in my dreams has been racism, sexism, and violence. last night i dreamed that two men attacked me by a riverbank. i dreamed that my brother and my ex-boyfriend were smoking cigarettes in my bedroom, and my ex-boyfriend's father stood in front of his son's face so i couldn't yell directly at it.
i woke up and took a shower to rinse off all of the residual negativity that had accrued during the long night. but there are feelings you cannot shake. i still feel wound tight, in my head and in my shoulders.
31.1.10
27.1.10
20.1.10
19.1.10
17.1.10
friday night
this past friday night, in a moment of intensely felt passion, i brought these men home with me.
last night's dream:
a massive purple octopus was attacking a houseboat compound.
i was with a large group of people, and we were trying to make our way toward land,
trying to outsmart the many tentacles, trying not to disturb the monster.
i was in charge of a baby. the entire dream, i had to hold this baby above water.
if she did swallow water due to my carelessness, she simply spit it up and laughed.
14.1.10
neon bible
Oh God! well look at you now!
Oh! you lost it, but you don’t know how!
In the light of a golden calf,
Oh God! I had to laugh!
Oh! you lost it, but you don’t know how!
In the light of a golden calf,
Oh God! I had to laugh!
11.1.10
the stars, misaligned
From Free Will Astrology:
Virgo Horoscope for week of January 7, 2010
A reader calling herself Rebellioness collaborated with me to come up with five revolutionized approaches to the art of rebellion. I present them here for your use, as they identify the kinds of behavior that will be most nurturing for you to cultivate in the coming weeks. 1. Experimenting with uppity, mischievous optimism. 2. Invoking insurrectionary levels of wildly interesting generosity. 3. Indulging in an insolent refusal to be chronically fearful. 4. Pursuing a cheeky ambition to be as wide-awake as a dissident young messiah. 5. Bringing reckless levels of creative intelligence to all expressions of love.
10.1.10
9.1.10
this is the man i am going to see tonight
p.s. the outfit he is wearing in this picture is pretty much the exact same outfit he wore last night for his show at papa g's vegan organic deli in the se.
7.1.10
bathing suit, organize
there was windstorm this morning. parts of the city lost power. telephones, computers, elevators, traffic lights - dead.
pacific northwest weather is in constant flux. the sky was a luminous pink at dawn, a light gray by nine o'clock a.m., a bleak charcoal by mid-afternoon. wind, gentle rain, piercing sunlight for a half an hour or so.
at around eleven o'clock a.m., one of the little boys i am a nanny for told me that the sounds outside were not caused by the wind, but by a mouse named bathing suit and a rat named organize.
at around eleven o'clock a.m., one of the little boys i am a nanny for told me that the sounds outside were not caused by the wind, but by a mouse named bathing suit and a rat named organize.
by nightfall i am tired, i fantasize about scalding my cold skin in a hot shower, bundling, finding a way to prop up my book without taking my hands out from under the blankets. i am dictated by the temperature and the sky, and no amount of space-heating or artificial light will convince my body otherwise. the whole day is a process of locating my energy, stirring it up, expending it, and allowing it to gradually dissipate until it is once again time for sleep.
i dream of a tree with a door carved into it. i dream of objects in the shape of a uterus. i dream of the angry ocean.
2.1.10
A Variation on The Proust Questionnaire as answered by Slavoj Zizek
A few times when I looked forward to a happy moment or remembered it - never when it was happening.
What is your greatest fear?
To awaken after death - that’s why I want to be burned immediately.
What is your earliest memory?
My mother naked. Disgusting.
Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Jean-Bertrand Aristide, the twice-deposed president of Haiti. He is a model of what can be done for the people even in a desperate situation.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Indifference to the plights of others.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Their sleazy readiness to offer me help when I don’t need or want it.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
Standing naked in front of a woman before making love.
Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
The new German edition of the collected works of Hegel.
What is your most treasured possession?
See the previous answer.
What makes you depressed?
Seeing stupid people happy.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
That it makes me appear the way I really am.
What is your most unappealing habit?
The ridiculously excessive tics of my hands while I talk.
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
A mask of myself on my face, so people would think I am not myself but someone pretending to be me.
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Watching embarrassingly pathetic movies such as The Sound Of Music.
What do you owe your parents?
Nothing, I hope. I didn’t spend a minute bemoaning their death.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To my sons, for not being a good enough father.
What does love feel like?
Like a great misfortune, a monstrous parasite, a permanent state of emergency that ruins all small pleasures.
What or who is the love of your life?
Philosophy. I secretly think reality exists so we can speculate about it.
What is your favourite smell?
Nature in decay, like rotten trees.
Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
All the time. When I really love someone, I can only show it by making aggressive and bad-taste remarks.
Which living person do you most despise, and why?
Medical doctors who assist torturers.
What is the worst job you’ve done?
Teaching. I hate students, they are (as all people) mostly stupid and boring.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
What Alain Badiou calls the ‘obscure disaster’ of the 20th century: the catastrophic failure of communism.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
My birth. I agree with Sophocles: the greatest luck is not to have been born - but, as the joke goes on, very few people succeed in it.
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
To Germany in the early 19th century, to follow a university course by Hegel.
How do you relax?
Listening again and again to Wagner.
How often do you have sex?
It depends what one means by sex. If it’s the usual masturbation with a living partner, I try not to have it at all.
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
When I had a mild heart attack. I started to hate my body: it refused to do its duty to serve me blindly.
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
To avoid senility.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The chapters where I develop what I think is a good interpretation of Hegel.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
That life is a stupid, meaningless thing that has nothing to teach you.
Tell us a secret.
Communism will win.
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